Oi, Beardos…

You may be aware that tomorrow is indeed World Beard Day.



Since beard wielders aren’t stereotypically the kind of fellows to go making a song and dance of such things, it’s entirely likely this is news to you.

Beard funny

In the glitzy social world of facial hair celebrations, it could be said that World Beard Day is the poor relation of the trendier, more widely followed Mo-vember. For the unaware; Movember is an annual event occuring every November – you see what they did there – in which gentlemen are encouraged to allow the fuzz residing on their top lips to flourish and grow.


The goal of Movember is to “change the face of men’s health”.

Participation in the Mo-movement is considered  a sporting sort of thing to do; not only for its generally entertainment factor and vivid measure of the mo’d mans capacity to tolerate irritation – having been told the growing of mustaches can be an irksome business.

The real motivation is actually significantly more  worthy; aiming to increase awareness of men’s health issues, encouraging check-ups, an emphasis on healthy living and ultimately, attempting to avert preventable deaths.

World Beard Day has no such noble intentions. It is essentially a satirical piss-take bit of fun.

The humble beard. It’s evolution through history has seen a swathe of  attitudes towards it’s presence on the face; revered, condemned and tolerated. The facial hair equivalent of Tiger Woods.

Tiger Woods Beard

Although, for the record, women with beards have never truly been deemed too hot.  If you do happen to be a bearded lady reading this and your intention is to capitalise on your unusually fuzzy face and become a super-rich circus freak, I commend you. A grand plan. If however, you’re seeking a husband, perhaps best to get the old wax pot out.

Girl with beard

The ancient Greeks believed that  a full, well groomed beard indicated manliness, virility and wisdom. In fact, they took their bearding so seriously that it was considered a huge crime to mess with another mans beard, punishable by fine and even jail-time. Being de-bearded was considered such a source of shame, it was employed as a punishment. Riled up Spartan warriors would shave off half a mans beard to signify less-than-warrior-like behaviour whilst dining in hell.

300 Spartan Warrior

Shamelessly gratuitous.

The ancient Romans however, came to diss the mighty facebush. A men’s hairdresser; barber, or Barba means “beard” in Latin, and when the Romans called hairy foreigners barbarians they were’t originally being horribly condescending, the phrase literally translated to “bearded men,” though in time, the word did evolve into the modern day definition of “rude, uncivilized people.”

Subsequent years saw the popularity of the beard rising and falling periodically, with various  famous faces contributing their own signature styles to the equation…

Santa ClausBin Laden

Recent research shows that men seem to be inclined towards growing a beard when knee deep in clunge the marriage market is favourable, preferring to be clean shaven when romantic lady-prospects are considered to be in short supply. The motivation behind this is believed to correspond with the findings of a study indicating women perceive the bearded vs the cleanshaven to be ;

  • 38% less generous.
  • 36% less caring.
  • 51% less cheerful

This supports existing research that the fairer sex are instinctively programmed to seek out a mate who appears to have good fathering skills and the propensity to provide.

Having said this, studies reveal women also consider a beard to be indicative of maturity, respect, high status and power, so, for appealing to the girls, it seems to be a lot to do with individual preference.

Brad Pitt Beard ScruffyJoaquim Phoenix Beard Scruffy

It’s been established that keeping a beard enables men a great deal more time (around 3350 hours to be precise) to get on with other worthwhile ventures. This is based on embarking upon a shaving career at 15-years-old before retiring 55 years later. A massive 139 days that could have been spent watching more sport and internet porn helping orphans and feeding the hungry.

In addition, beards are proven to help prevent respiratory problems, diseases of the throat and gums, as well as making a wonderful inbuilt chin/neck scarf during nippy spells.

So if you wish to get into the true spirit of World Beard Day, grab yourself a scotch on the rocks – the kind of true badass drink consumed by beard sporters, crank up some Metallica, find a willing chin-fringed guinea pig and get folically fantastic.

Funny Crazy Beard

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2 thoughts on “Oi, Beardos…

  1. Marianne says:

    So sorry I missed such an important day, it’s always next year… 🙂

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